Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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