if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
