im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
