nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm eating all of the evidence.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
