Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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