I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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