The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I booty called her while she was in labor.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
