woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
