So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
