Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
