For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
