Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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