So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
