My sheets look like a crime scene.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
