this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
