After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
