im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
