Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
