My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
