she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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