What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
