He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
