my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize