I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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