The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
