Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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