this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
