She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
