Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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