Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
