This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
