She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
