So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
