The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
