I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
