i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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