I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
