My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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