The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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