She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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