mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
