Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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