I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
