I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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