a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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