and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
