I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
we're so committed to being not committed
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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