would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
