I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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