I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize