I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
