Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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