Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
