I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
