I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
