new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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