1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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