3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Couch. On fire.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
