i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize