we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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