Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
