I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
tell me about the eggs
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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