I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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